Can’t vs Won’t

In a recent parent support group the subject of “can’t vs. won’t” came up in discussion. We, as parents,  have to make decisions all the time about how to respond, or react, to our child’s behavior.  When we think they can’t do something (like tie their shoes) we help, show them how to do it, do it for them and/or teach them the skill.  We do this so they can learn, to help them be independent and because it's our job.  

When we think our kids “won’t” do something (like tie their shoes) we may find ourselves getting impatient, we might threaten, we might give a consequence (which teaches them to want to) or give a punishment (we share our anger and are upset with them) to “teach them a lesson.” In times like this, it is good for me to remember to be grateful that God doesn’t respond to me this way. There are plenty of times when my WON’T (refusal) is big. I won’t forgive, I won’t extend grace, I won’t acknowledge my bad behavior that may cause another to stumble. 

Understanding the difference between whether your child can’t do something or won’t do something determines what we do next. Dr. Ross Greene says,
“Our perception determines our intervention.” This means that what we think/say about our child’s behavior determines what we do next - do we teach, do we discipline, do we punish? When we think our kid can’t do something, we often stay in good relationships with them because helping is what we do when they need help!  When we think our kid won’t do something we often enter a power struggle with them. We then think it is our job to “make the kid want to” do what we are asking. A saying from my grandma’s generation is, “I am going to motivate your ‘want to.’” Dr. Foster Cline who developed the Parenting with Love and Logic curriculum said often, “If a parent is going to enter a power struggle with their child, the parent must win.” This is true, because in a family system, if a parent enters a power struggle with the child, and the parent loses the power struggle, the power dynamic in the family shifts. This is not desirable. So a key take-away here is, avoid power struggles at all cost. (More on this in the coming weeks.)  

This leads us to the next important element of parenting. In support group this week, we talked about how people can know how to do something, but when they get stressed out, they suddenly “can’t” do the skill. How many of us can relate to this? I know how to do the dishes but some days when I look at the pile of dishes in the sink I am just too overwhelmed to even begin the task! I have been driving somewhere, gotten upset and I have “forgotten” where I was going! Our stressed brains struggle to remember what we can and can’t do. Sometimes our stressed brains don’t allow us to cooperate.  Sometimes our stressed brains don’t allow us to focus and think. When our brains are stressed, we are in “fight, flight or freeze.”  

What helps our brains, and our kids' brains, to be less stressed and to shift out of “fight, flight or freeze,” is empathy.  Empathy - the ability to understand and share the feelings of another - in action looks like a combination of compassion and kindness. Empathy involves some act of understanding or kindness and includes soft eye contact, a soft voice and can include a gentle touch. Giving our kids empathy when they are struggling helps their brains move out of “fight, flight or freeze” and back into their “thinking brain.” It also helps us, the adults, stay in our thinking brain! 

Empathy sounds like, 

• “That’s rough.”

• “I am sorry.”

• “Bless your heart.”

• “That’s sad.”

• “Oh, that’s never good.”

• “Oh, honey.”

• “That stinks.” 

• “How sad.”

A great rule to live by shared by Dr. Ross Greene is, “kids do well if they can.” This means that when kids are stressed it can look like a “won’t”...but it is really a “can’t”:  things that they were able to do when they were calm, felt safe, or when they are rested they CAN’T do when they are stressed. If our rule to live by is “Kids do well if they can” then when things are not going well with my child, I am going to respond as if they are stuck, and they temporarily “can’t” do something. I will help them, show them, do it for them, wait until another time, or modify a task (think velcro shoes instead of laces if a kid can’t tie their shoes).

So, practice those empathetic responses! Have an empathetic response ready when your child does something upsetting or when they are “stuck” and can’t perform a task or job that they can normally do.  When we can replace anger with empathy we don’t have to say a lot, usually one or two words, while giving soft eyes, soft voice and soft touch.  If you are tempted to add some sarcasm to the empathetic statement, you are no longer being empathetic. Sarcasm sends a message that you don’t care about the person. Practice your empathic statement until it feels genuine and comfortable. Most importantly, we need to extend empathy to ourselves.  When you are feeling stuck, stop, take a breath, and say a few kind words to yourself. Spending time filling up your “empty” parenting bucket is always a good idea. Spend time in nature. Pray. Get some exercise. Reach out to a friend. Spend time with God. 

 Imagine our relationship with God, when we blow it and make a mistake.  What if, instead of responding to us with love, showing compassion and empathy, He responded with frustration and anger? It’s His kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4)  We know God’s greatest commandment, love one another as Jesus loves you.  We can do this by viewing our children’s behavior through the lens of “It’s a can’t, not a won’t.” If we are wrong, and it IS a won’t, think about how our children have experienced us: kind, understanding, concerned and willing to stay in relationship with them, even when their behavior is difficult. This is how God deals with us. Give your child a picture of how God sees them through you. Let’s start living out Jesus’ greatest commandment at home.