Coke Machine vs Slot Machine
I learned to parent from a more healthy place due to sheer desperation. Things got hard and some things fell apart. In utter despair and hopelessness in my own abilities, I started looking for answers to some parenting issues that were too hard for me to figure out on my own. This struggle ultimately brought me to my saving faith in Christ. Another great story for another day.
One of my mentors I happened upon in my early days of parenting (when we only had 3 kids) was Dr. Foster Cline. Dr. Cline is one of the creators of the Parenting with Love and Logic curriculum, of which I am now a trainer. When I was in need and searching for parenting help, I heard that Dr. Cline was going to be in town (Chico) speaking at a conference. I decided to go. It changed my life. Over the years there were many more trainings that I attended with Dr. Cline.
In my job as a trainer for the Foster/Kinship Care Education Program for Butte College I had the privilege of picking Dr. Cline up at the airport and took him out to dinner with a friend prior to a speaking engagement he had with Butte College. A conversation I had with him sticks in my mind. Over the course of dinner he said something to the effect of, “When it comes to our kids, sometimes we have to be a coke machine and sometimes we have to be a slot machine.” This conversation turned out to be pure gold, and continues to shape my life, some 20 years later.
The understanding of his statement unfolded like this: for years while living in Humboldt County, I would drive over to Chico to teach a weekend class at Butte College. Most often I would leave home on a Thursday night, teach class all day Friday and all day Saturday and drive back home to Humboldt on Sunday morning. I drove Highway 20 quite often, and on that drive were lots of casinos and lots of churches. I would usually leave Chico to head home to Humboldt at around 8 am, thus passing both the churches and casinos at “Sunday morning church time.” Invariably, as I drove by both the casinos and the churches, the casino parking lots would be packed to overflowing - at 10 am on a Sunday morning! In comparison, around “Sunday morning church time” the churches I would pass would be sparsely filled, a smattering of cars in rather vacant lots. This got me thinking.
Slot machines are addictive. Why? They provide intermittent positive reinforcement. Slot machines give ‘changing rewards’ at irregular intervals. By making the ‘reward’ unpredictable, excitement is triggered in the brain. When the unpredictable reward is given at unpredictable times, this further increases excitement and teaches the slot machine player the adaptation of continuing the desired behavior (pulling to slot machine handle) while waiting for the still unpredictable reward. When we hit a jackpot, the reward center of the brain - excitement- is triggered and the behavior of gambling is reinforced and a gambling habit can thus be formed. As Dr. Cline said, sometimes it is good to be a “slot machine” parent, the question then begs to be asked, what behavior do we want to reinforce and become addictive in our children?
On the other hand, have you ever witnessed people standing in line to play a Coke machine? Why are the casinos filled with slot machines and not Coke machines? On some level, one could argue that because of the predictability of a Coke machine, why AREN’T people playing the Coke machines instead of the slot machines? If I put my money in a Coke machine, I am assured of a Coke (or a diet Coke which is my preference.)
My friends, Coke machines do not reinforce any behavior, they do not trigger the reward center of your brain, unless you are a two-year-old and Coke machines are a new experience. Coke machines are predictable, somewhat comforting, and fulfill a need. I may be at the Coke machine because I am thirsty. I may be at the Coke machine because I need a little caffeine pick-me-up. I may be at the Coke machine because I have a little low blood sugar. If I want a Coke, I put my money in and get a Coke. My money spent will ensure me of a reward of equal value, and in fact, something I want - a soda!
So the question to be asked is, what is the value of “Coke machine” parenting? When do we need to be (somewhat) boring and predictable for our kids? What behaviors do we NOT want to encourage? When does our predictability have value and comfort?
Here is the pure gold of Dr. Cline’s statement, sometimes we need to be Coke machine parents and sometimes we need to be slot machine parents. We reinforce (Slot Machine) behavior we WANT in our kids. When kids are exhibiting good behavior, spring a reward on them!
For example:
You notice that your child struggles to consistently come home from school each day and start their homework without being made to. You want to reinforce doing the homework without a reminder.
Slot machine parenting is NOT sticker charts and reminders. Remember, you want to spring an unexpected reward, so DON’T tell your child ahead of time, “If you come home from school this week and do your homework each day, you can have _______ privilege/reward.”
Slot machine parenting is stating what you want/desire from the child and then wait/notice & spring the reward WITHOUT REMINDERS.
It is important to state here that reminders are not expectations. Reminding is similar to nagging. Having expectations of your child might sound like:
Parent: “Just so we are clear, what is the expectation when kids come home from school?”
Kid: “Start my homework without being reminded.”
Parent: “Super. Thank you.”
So, one day, you notice your child comes home from school and starts their homework without being asked. This behavior, initiating their homework without being asked, is something that you want to reinforce. Notice and reward the desired behavior! Give the kid a wink and a high five! Tell them, “Good job being responsible!”
Let some time pass. Watch for the behavior of starting their homework right after school to be demonstrated. One night after dinner, offer up an extra scoop of ice cream, give your child a wink and whisper, “I noticed you got right on your homework after school! Bravo!”
Watch for the behavior that you want your child to lock in more regularly- starting their homework right after school- to continue. After the desired behavior is exhibited a few more times, surprise your child with a celebratory reward! This is slot machine parenting at its finest!
The reward you spring on your child is fun, unexpected and a big deal to the kid- at our house it might be a trip to the dollar store or an afternoon at the skate park that was unexpected and much-sought-after. Tie the reward to the desired behavior, “You are so responsible with starting and finishing your homework after school each day! Way to go!”
From this point forward, continue intermittently rewarding the desired behavior of starting homework right after school with your child, and each time you spring the reward, change up what the reward is. The reward can be a wink and a high five, a statement of congratulations or calling grandma in front of the child and bragging about how proud you are of your kiddo. This is slot machine parenting: reinforcing desired behavior.
The slippery slope with slot machine parenting is when it is misused and reinforces negative behavior. We don’t want to reinforce negative behavior in our children by turning our “No’s” into “Yeses.” Parents can actually teach their children to misbehave. We can teach our children to beg, not take no for an answer, not accept limits and whine and argue. Take for instance this example of slot machine parenting and begging/not taking no for an answer. Notice how negative behavior is reinforced:
Child: “Can we go to the skate park?”
Parent: “No, I don’t have time.”
Child: “Please! I really want to go! You promised!”
Parent: “I said no! Maybe we can go next week.”
Child: “You said that last week and now it is this week!”
(Parent guilt is now setting in…)
Parent: “I know, just not today. I said maybe later.”
Child: “Come on! Please! I will get my homework done, I promise!”
(The parent wants the homework done which is another issue, but the guilt is getting to you…)
Parent: “Okay, if you get your homework done quickly we can go to the skate park. But next time I mean no when I say no!”
Child: “Yay! Thanks! Can I get help on my homework so we can go?”
What is the desired behavior? (Saying “no” to the child and having them handle it.)
What behavior was undesired? (Begging, arguing, whining, not taking no for an answer.)
What behavior was positively reinforced? (Begging, arguing, whining and not taking no for an answer were reinforced because those behaviors eventually turned a parent’s ‘no’ into a ‘yes.’)
What has the parent now created? (The parent has created a dynamic wherein the next time the parent says “no” the child will continue to beg, plead, argue, whine and not take ‘no’ for an answer through at least 4-5 iterations of the parent saying ‘no.’
The child will continue to behave worse now than they were before they asked to go to the skate park.
This is where Coke machine parenting comes in! When we want the child to accept a limit, the parent needs to become predictable, safe and boring. In other words, the parent needs to become a Coke machine! It goes like this:
Child: “Can we go to the skate park?”
Parent: “I’m sorry. I don’t have time”
Child: “Please! I really want to go! You promised!”
Parent: “I am sorry, I don’t have time today.”
Child: “You said that last week and now it is this week!”
(Parent resolve to not back down is now setting in…)
Parent: “I wish I could say yes to the skate park today. I’m sorry.”
Child: “Come on! Please! I will get my homework done, I promise!”
(The parent wants the homework done, which is another issue, but they know they need to stick to their guns because “No” needs to mean “no” at your house. This is NOT a time to negotiate!)
Parent: “You seem to be having a hard time taking ‘no’ for an answer. I am willing to put a date on the calendar for another day, but you will need to accept this limit first.”
Child: “You never take me anywhere!”
Parent: “It is hard to hear ‘no’ sometimes. I don’t like hearing ‘no’ either.”
Child leaves the room.
The parent secretly cheers inside, acknowledging their major parent ‘win!’
What behavior is reinforced? (Taking no for an answer)
What behavior was modeled by the parent? (Staying calm and teaching the child to accept a limit.)
What is likely to happen the next time your child wants a ‘yes’ from you but gets a ‘no’? (They will likely quit asking by the second or third ‘no.’)
What is likely to happen the third and fourth time that your child wants a ‘yes’ from you but gets a ‘no’? (They will accept the limit - you saying no- pretty quickly.)
In the above example, the child has learned that Coke machine parents do not reinforce undesired behavior, but rather get really boring and predictable when it comes to keeping their word, following through, letting their ‘yeses’ be yes and their ‘no’s’ be ‘no.’ Parents become safe, predictable and a bit boring.
When all is said and done, the best part about this scenario is that the Coke machine parent in this example, who got their kid to accept a limit, can now start becoming a slot machine parent when their child takes ‘no’ for an answer and/or accepts a limit. Intermittently rewarding a child who accepts a limit will increase the likelihood that the child will accept a limit in the future.
So yes, kids do need Coke machine parents and slot machine parents. Thank you, Dr. Foster Cline for imparting such wisdom. If you are interested in more great resources for parenting, you can check out the Love and Logic website, sign up for weekly emails from The Love and Logic Institute, or check out a great book on Love and Logic parenting from your nearest library.
Dr. Cline had another great line that I appreciated as well. When talking about giving consequences to kids, he emphasized being loving while holding kids accountable means that we need to maintain a relationship with our kids WHILE we are also disciplining them. I shared with him that I struggled with this concept. He then shared that a parent’s job is to provide lovinging kindness and unwavering steadfastness to our kids in all circumstances. I let him know that I thought this was a tough order, to which he responded, “Well, if it is good enough for Christ, it is good enough for me!” Here’s to building happier, healthier relationships with our children, using both Coke machine and slot machine parenting techniques and the love of Christ.