3 Types of Lying
Discernment is needed in parenting. From dictionary.com - discernment is defined as “the ability to recognize small details, accurately tell the difference between similar things, and make intelligent judgments by using such observations.” One area that we especially need discernment as parents is when our kids are lying. The trouble with the behavior of ‘lying’ is that there are different kinds of ‘lying’ and different reasons kids ‘lie.’ As parents, we need to know and understand the difference.
In order to understand the different types of lies and the different reasons kids lie, we first need to understand behavior. Behavior is studied as a science (you may have heard of the phrase “Behavioral Science.”) Behavior is defined as anything someone does that can be seen, heard, or measured. In other words, I can see my kid hitting his brother, I can hear my kid saying “No!” and I can count how many times my kid whined between breakfast and lunch.
Every behavior has a function. In other words, every behavior happens for a reason. In the world of behavioral analysis, there are four main functions or four main reasons for behavior to be happening. The four functions of behavior are:
Attention - social attention, attention from a person/people. For example, your child may whine to get your attention. Whining is the behavior, the reason the child is whining is to get your attention
Avoidance - or escape- An example here is a child hiding from you when you tell them they need to take medicine. The reason they are hiding is to avoid the medicine they don’t want.
Access - seeking access to items/activities. An example is your child wants dessert, so they finish their veggies. They are eating their veggies to get access to dessert.
Sensory Stimulation - For example, scratching an itch, because it itches. (Lying does not apply to this behavior function - but it does for the other three!)
When we are faced with the issue of a child lying, it is important to understand that lying has different functions. When we understand the function of the lie, we can then decide how to address the behavior of lying.
Some kids lie for attention. “A man in a white car tried to kidnap me on my way to school!” (There was no man in a white car… but your child has just drawn a lot of attention with this whopper of a tale…)
Some kids lie to avoid a consequence or feeling or to escape an activity. “I finished my homework.” (The homework is too hard, the child forgot to bring their homework home, the child is stressed out and doesn’t want to deal with the homework, etc.)
Some kids lie to get access to things. “I finished my homework, can I play video games?” (This child wants access to video games, so they lie and say their homework is completed so they can play video games.)
Parental discernment needs to kick in when we are dealing with the issue of a child lying. The first thing I must ask myself when I discover that a child is lying is, “What is the function of the lie?”
Here is my rule of thumb when it comes to kids who lie and how I respond:
If a kid is lying to get attention, I have a problem on my hands that a consequence is NOT going to fix. Kids who are lying to get attention are seeking negative attention. This is a problem. I want my child to seek positive attention for positive behaviors.
When I catch my kid lying to get attention, I know I need to be intentional about giving lots of positive attention to this kid. Along with this, I may have a child who has some developmental gaps. Developmentally immature kids will often lie to get attention. I may have a situation where therapy may be in order as well.
The big thing to remember here though is, do not reinforce lying to get attention with lots of (negative) attention! When we had the incident with “A man in a white truck tried to kidnap me on the way to school.” (Fortunately there were cameras to prove otherwise…) My response was, “Being almost kidnapped would definitely get you a lot of attention, I am sure glad you are safe. Let’s try to find ways for you to get some positive attention.” We dropped it and moved on… if I would have given a big consequence for this lie, I would have been reinforcing lying for attention by giving this kid a lot of negative attention for lying… Rule of thumb, ignore/downsize lying to get attention, then find lots of ways to give positive attention for positive behavior. Catch this kid making good choices! Brag about this kid to other people when this child is around. If this kid learns a new skill, accomplishes a task, make a big deal about it! Spend 1-1 time with this kid at least once a day. Be intentional.
If your kid is lying to avoid. This is tricky. Lying to avoid almost always has stress or anxiety attached to it. If my child is lying to avoid their homework because the homework is too hard, I am going to want to help my kid with their homework. If my child is lying about finishing their homework because they are stressed out about ‘getting it right’ then I am going to help alleviate their stress. I want my child to see me as helpful. Parents need to stay curious when getting to the bottom of lying to avoid - if my child is lying because of anxiety or fear, then I help. I might also say, “It is okay to tell me if you are worried or stressed, my job is to help you feel safe.”
If my child is lying to avoid a consequence then there is usually a natural consequence that will be heading the child’s way. (I have lied to avoid consequences, too, so I can relate.) When it comes to our attention that a kid is lying to avoid a consequence, we say, “Heavy choice.” That means your choice - your action- comes with a natural consequence. Lying to avoid a consequence breaks the relationship with the person being lied to, but doesn’t change the fact that a consequence is going to be given to the child.
I might say, “It is hard to be responsible when you blow it. We expect you to take responsibility for your choices at our house by being truthful.” Then, the consequence is given.
3. Lying to gain access to something. This type of lie is referred to as a “character issue lying” at our house. If my kid is capable of doing their homework, but would just rather play video games, so lies to me, the consequence is straightforward.
For example, (kid has not done their homework) “My homework is done, can I play video games?” This kind of lying lets me know the kid is willing to lie/break relationship with me over video games. In our house, this is an easy consequence, we remove the video game console.
The conversation might go something like this, “Access to video games is not more important than your character. You are welcome to have privileges when your responsibilities are handled. Video games are off-limits until further notice.”
We remove the video game console, thus access to the video games, until some time in the future when we are pretty certain our kid will handle their responsibilities before asking for privileges.
A little gem I will close with is as follows- when I KNOW that a child is inclined to lie to me, say for instance about their homework- I don’t INVITE the lie. Inviting the lie means asking a question that creates a situation where I am inviting the child to lie to me. In other words, if I am pretty sure that if I ask the kid if they finished their homework, I am not going to ask them, “Did you finish your homework?” Instead, I create a situation where I am NOT INVITING the lie.
Example: I get home from work and my kid asks to play video games. I simply say, “Show me your homework.” I have not asked the child if their homework is done, so there is no opportunity to lie. If I say to the child, “Show me your homework.” I am asking to see the homework assignment written down and the completed assignment. This is often in the form of a Google Classroom assignment posted on their school account, which makes it even easier. If you want to be really thorough, when your child says, “I already turned it in on Google Classrooms” you can say, “Great, unsubmit the assignment from Google Classrooms and show me the completed assignment and then we can talk about video games.”
We don’t have to have all the answers to all of the parenting issues that come up. If we have discernment and some basic understanding of the functions of our children’s behaviors then some of our challenges that we are faced with, such as when our kids lie, will be easier to respond to. Responding to our kids’ behavior is much better than reacting to their behavior!