Trauma

I see a lot of posts that talk about it not being someone’s fault that they have trauma but it is their responsibility to heal from it. This saying while is true really bugs me.

Tonight I sat and listened to someone retell part of their past and they were a person that lived in trauma. Living in trauma to me means that you are living in a constant state of self preservation. The things that people have lived through I have no comprehension of how one person could do that to another. I wouldn’t treat my dog the way that others treat humans. I’m not even talking sexual trauma. That’s a whole other ball game.

When people live in trauma it does things to different parts of their brain that “trigger” automatic reactions because their brain reads the situation as a threat...high threat. Like their life is in danger threat and it needs to do whatever it needs to in order to stay alive. It shows outward with large blow ups and what we would call over reacting over nothing. When the traumatized person comes down out of that state they also realize that they actually weren’t in danger. The problem is that most of us can’t stay calm enough to let them come out of that state to have that realization. We react to their reaction. We put how it wasn’t fair what they did or said etc, and it’s true. What they said or did was not appropriate but they did it because in their mind it was all about survival.

It’s true, at the end of the day the only one that can make the choice to choose healing is the traumatized person but let me tell you that there will be no healing if they don’t have a safe place to heal. We as people need to learn how to help people heal. We need to be a place where I have really good self control so that when there’s a blow up only one of us is reacting and the other is creating a place to heal. The stuff that has been done to people is ugly. Unthinkable. Inhumane. We treat prisoners better. It’s time to make ourselves part of the equation because at the end of the day, love is what cures fear and self preservation comes from fear.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

**edit** There were some good questions asked in the comments and I thought that I would give a few starter answers.

1. Realize that every time you see a blow up in a person, "acting out", negativity etc you are seeing fear and self preservation. This will be the hardest concept to get. We would like to believe that people are out to get us but at the core of the behavior is fear. Deal with the fear you deal with the core issue. Deal with the behavior and you only have behavior modification.

2. Refuse to label a person. Retrain your brain to see pain, not actions. The second I name someone a liar, difficult, violent etc I will see them through that lens. That lens is their behavior but not who they were created to be. I want to call out what they are created to be, not their behavior. Behavior can change, who God made us to be stays.

3. Deal with my own fear. Recognize that I actually have the same issue but probably on a lower level...maybe not. When I feel emotions coming up in myself, I take some time to figure out what I am afraid of. I let myself come down and I wait until I can separate what I should say with what I want to say. I decide to make a core value that I will have self control which means at all times, others actions don't determine mine. This is very very difficult but possible.

4. I remember that God's intention for us every time is for every person is redemption, reconciliation and restoration. Yes, everyone has a part to play in that but that is the heart of God every time.

5. I don't think it was a mistake that 1 Corinthians 13 starts with love is patient, love is kind.