Want vs Need
In a previous blog I discussed the difference between ‘can’t’ vs. ‘won’t.’ The big takeaway was that when kids can’t do something, we help. If it looks like they won’t do something, check and make sure it is a won’t. It is better to assume our child needs help and be wrong than to assume it’s that your child ‘won’t’ comply and give a consequence and be wrong. Along those same lines, I would like to focus on wants vs. needs.
Knowing how to respond to our kids is tricky sometimes. There is still no ‘kids-manual’ that has been written, so having some ‘rules to live by' is important. One place we can get tripped up when parenting is when to say ‘yes’ to something and when to set a healthy limit with kids. Often, setting a healthy limit involves the word ‘no.’
When kids are babies, every request they make is a need. They need to be held, fed, comforted. They get lonely, afraid, and anxious. When our kids are babies and they cry we respond and provide what they need. By doing this, we help them develop a strong sense of safety, they become attached to us, they learn to trust us, they learn cause and effect thinking (I cry, my adult comes and meets my needs.)
By meeting all our children’s needs when they are infants, we are helping their brains develop to become healthy adults. Kids who get their needs met develop a healthy conscience, they learn from their mistakes, have good self-control and they care for themselves and others. Karen Purvis, in her book The Connected Parent, shares about how the first year of life is the year of 200,00 yesses. Every request a child makes is met with a ‘yes’ from the parent. The child learns that their parent will meet their needs and life is good. Healthy attachment develops over a lifetime. If you didn’t get your needs met as a child, it is never too late to begin to develop healthy attachment. Our relationship with Christ is a beautiful picture of healthy attachment. We cry out to God and He responds and meets our needs.
Any day is a good day to start creating a healthy relationship with your child. The first thing to remember is that, in order to facilitate healthy attachment, the parent needs to be sure to always meet their child’s needs. All children need to experience love and felt-safety. This means, when our kids are afraid, scared or anxious we help them to feel safe and secure. Parents can provide comfort in the form of a soothing voice, safe touch, kind eyes, and a safe environment. If we are upset with them, using a calm voice and providing logical consequences is what's best. Our anger does not help our children learn within the context of love and safety, logical consequences help children learn limits and that parents are loving authority figures. When I am struggling with an issue that is bringing stress into my life, I usually have a limit that needs to be set or a bad habit that needs to be extinguished. It’s God’s kindness that leads us to repentance.
Wants vs. Needs get a little complicated when our kids get older. This is where we have some good principles to live by. A good phrase to remember is, “I will always meet my kids’ needs, and set healthy limits with what they want.”
For instance:
Kids need good sleep but they want to stay up late. Setting a regular bedtime that you stick with helps meet their needs.
Kids need healthy foods but they want junk food (so do I!) Meeting our kids' needs means offering healthy foods most of the time and saving junk food for treats or special occasions.
Things our kids want, but don’t need are called ‘negotiables’ We can use these negotiables for rewards and to encourage our kids. Video games are a great example of a want, not a need, therefore, video games are ‘negotiables.’ Kids may want to play video games, but they don't need to play video games. This is where enforceable statements come in. An enforceable statement tells the child under what circumstances you will do something:
Enforceable Statement - “You are welcomed to _______ when _______. “
With video games your conversation may sound like this:
“You are welcome to play video games when I hear you read aloud for 15 minutes.”
“I will say ‘yes’ to video games after I see that your chores are done.”
“Show me your finished homework and I will say yes to video games.”
What is great about using an enforceable statement to set a limit is that you are not saying “No.” The word “No” is often a trigger for a blow up or explosive outburst from a child. Hearing the word “No” is tough!
Some parents may ask, “But what if I have to say “No” to video games because they have a consequence?” In this situation, when I do have to say “No” to something, I instead say, “I wish I could say ‘yes’ to that.” It would go something like this:
Scenario: A child is asking to play video games and they have a consequence, so there will be no video games.
Child: “Can I play video games?”
Parent: “I wish I could say ‘yes’ to video games right now.”
Child: “Then say yes, say yes!”
Parent: “I will give you a ‘yes’ to video games when your consequence is over.”
The child will likely be upset! Offer empathy, “Limits are hard.” and comfort, “Would you like a hug?” but hold the line and provide the consequence.
Setting healthy limits with our children with the things they want - like privileges- and creating healthy attachment by meeting their need for love, safety, comfort, healthy food, and good sleep will help your child grow into a healthy adult.